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Written by: Pang Chi Wah, Registered Educational Psychologist, New Horizons Development Centre
Hong Kong is a materially affluent society, but due to the abundance of resources, when children have needs in their lives, parents quickly fulfill those needs, providing them with continuous satisfaction. However, when parents satisfy their children’s needs too quickly, it can have negative effects, failing to train their ability to endure. Over time, their patience may become limited.
Using Everyday Emotions to Cultivate Patience in Children
Delaying gratification or the fulfillment of life’s needs is an important aspect of developing emotional intelligence (EQ). If parents are accustomed to quickly meeting their children’s needs but then complain about their lack of patience, such comments are unfair to the children, as their patience simply hasn’t been cultivated.
How can we teach children to delay their needs? To train children’s emotional intelligence, the key is to “not use harsh measures or rewards.” This means avoiding both physical punishment and frequent rewards, but rather honing their patience and ability to wait through everyday experiences and challenges. Parents can try the following examples:
Example 1: When parents take their children to a dim sum restaurant, they shouldn’t immediately order whatever the children like. Instead, parents can ask the children to finish one basket of dim sum before waiting an additional five minutes before having another type. Alternatively, children can be asked to wait until the parents have eaten part of a basket before they can eat.
Example 2: When children ask their parents to buy toys, parents do not need to buy them immediately. They can explain that the purchase will be made after a few hours, days, or a week, encouraging the children to wait patiently.
Example 3: When children return home from outside, parents should not allow them to turn on the TV immediately. They must first put away their shoes and socks, drink a glass of water, and wait on the sofa for three minutes before they can turn on the TV.
Example 4: When children are out with their parents, they shouldn’t rush to press the elevator button. Parents can ask them to wait until they can go out together and walk to the elevator before pressing the button.
Parents Must Be Consistent and Trustworthy
The above examples are just a few ways to incorporate delayed gratification into everyday life. Using these techniques is not about denying or rejecting your child’s needs but simply delaying satisfaction.It is essential for parents to stick to their principles and remain consistent. No matter how much your child whines, throws tantrums, cries, or shouts, you must hold firm to the “delayed gratification” principle. Additionally, parents must also be trustworthy—if you promise your child something, you must follow through.
When children make requests, it’s also a good idea to ask them to explain their reasons. This not only trains their emotional intelligence (EQ) but also develops their intellectual intelligence (IQ). By paying attention to these small moments in your child’s daily life, you can effectively help them build emotional intelligence. Why not give it a try?