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Understanding of Child Development Understanding of Child Development

Emotional Language for Parents and Children

Emotional Language for Parents and Children

Written by : Family Dynamics Child Play Therapist

                    Marriage and Family Therapist, Ms. Lee Wai Zi

Growing up, we are seldom taught to express our emotions verbally. Schools and society focus on nurturing children’s cognitive, analytical, and problem-solving skills, so we are used to discussing things and opinions, and rarely express our emotions directly in words. Even when families communicate and talk to each other, we are not used to sharing our feelings.

Some parents may ask, “Isn’t it enough for me to express my care for my child through actions (such as hugging or kissing him/her)? Is it necessary for parents to verbally affirm and respond to their children’s feelings and needs?

While it is important for parents to express their love for their children through actions, it is also important for parents to respond empathetically to their children so that they can understand and accept their thoughts and feelings in a more concrete and tangible way. This not only strengthens the parent-child relationship and builds the child’s sense of security, but the child also learns how to verbally express his or her feelings and needs, which helps reduce the need for the child to express his or her inner turmoil through bad behavior.

In fact, the language of emotion is not the language we are used to. Many parents are concerned that affirming and empathizing with their children’s negative emotions may condone and exacerbate their children’s bad behavior. For example, when a child feels sad about the loss of a beloved object, parents are afraid that rehashing the incident will touch on the child’s sad feelings. Parents may say to their children, “It’s okay, just play with something else! or “Try to see if you can buy another one instead. Parents want to calm their children by solving their problems.

However, not only do children fail to learn from their parents’ responses how to access and understand their own feelings and effectively regulate their negative emotions, they also have no opportunity to learn from their failures and develop a sense of responsibility.

If parents can put themselves in their children’s shoes, understand their experiences from their children’s perspective, and try to tell them how they feel, even if it is as simple as “I think you must be very sad and upset about losing your beloved object. This is the most powerful support and comfort for children, giving them the confidence and courage to face the challenges of life.

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Promotion of Parents’ Physical and Psychological Well-being

It is common for families to disagree on how to maintain a family.

It is common for families to disagree on how to maintain a family.

Written by: Director, The Hong Kong Institute of Family Education

                   Dr. Tik Chi-yuen

To maintain good and intimate family relationships, three elements are needed, including family planning, family communication and family empathy. Whether it is an individual, a group or a community, there is a need to have a plan. These plans should include directions, goals, actions and solutions to problems. Likewise, every family needs to have its own family plan. In simpler terms, planning for home ownership, savings, travel, and children requires clear planning and action. In the process of talking about these plans, it is important for all family members to share them, and for everyone to agree on them so that they can work together to create a happy family.

Once we have a plan, we should try to put it into practice and implement it. In the process of practice, good communication is needed. In a family, there will always be disagreements and disputes between members. If these disagreements and disputes are not resolved, they will turn into family disputes and conflicts, and the family plan will not achieve its goal.

The most effective way to resolve disputes and conflicts between members is through communication. When people and nations face conflicts, there are two ways to resolve them: one is to fight, to defeat the opponent, and to win; the other is to communicate, to negotiate, to understand, and to find a solution.

In my opinion, the second method of solving problems through communication is the most ideal. And what problems cannot be solved in the family? As long as we can communicate effectively, we will always find a solution that is acceptable to everyone, so a good family needs to be built by effective communication.

To achieve mutual understanding and accommodation, we need to be empathetic, that is, to understand each other’s difficulties and needs from the other person’s perspective, and for adolescent children, it is even more important for family members to be understanding because they are in a rebellious period and need to learn to be independent. Everyone faces different situations and difficulties, and there may be unique difficulties that come from not doing well in some areas.

If we can understand each other’s point of view more often, we will have different understandings and thus accept each other’s situation more easily, which will make us accept and understand each other more. Family members should think more from each other’s point of view. This will help to reduce conflicts, so that we can reach a consensus and solve the problem quickly.

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Parents Zone

Drawings peek into the inner world of children 

Drawings peek into the inner world of children

Written by: Unleashing Mind  Professional  Counselling Academy

                   Psychotherapist  Lee Wai-Tong

Painting can give us room to express our feelings. I use a brush to create a dialogue with myself in another language, soothing my emotions or gaining insight and unlocking my heart.

Crying over trivial stuff

In my past child counseling sessions, some parents came to me for help. They did not understand why their son, Ming, often cried over trivial things, such as being late for TV, late for dinner, or when his father came home late, etc. They mentioned the situation to Ming, but they did not understand why, which caused them trouble. Therefore, I suggested conducting a drawing assessment for Ming to understand the environment in which Ming grows up in his mind, which may help to understand the reason why Ming loves to cry.

Drawing reveals the reason for crying

Ming drew a “family story”. While drawing, he expressed his feelings that his parents were busy with work all day, so he often played alone at home. When his parents came home, Ming wanted to play with them, but his father soon became impatient. In Ming’s mind, it seems that his father is always angry; whenever his mother sees this situation, she will argue with him. In Ming’s eyes, his mother always looks sad when she argues with his father. In Ming’s mind, he knew that his parents loved him, but when he saw that his father was angry and his mother was sad because of him, he felt sad.

A peek into the inner world through paintings

Later, I met with Ming’s parents again. They never imagined that the quarrel in front of Ming was deeply engraved in their son’s heart. In addition, the father also found that his tiredness after work affected the quality of parent-child interaction. In this regard, I taught the father some relaxation methods and suggested setting up a “calm zone” at home to give everyone a space to relieve their emotions, and the parents promised to avoid arguing in front of Ming.

A month later, Ming no longer cried over trivial matters and the parent-child relationship was better than before. Painting can reflect children’s inner world view. In the process of creation, children project their inner world intentionally or unintentionally, so that we can understand their inner world and help them grow up healthily.

What Can You Do If Your Child Is Afraid of Embarrassment?

What Can You Do If Your Child Is Afraid of Embarrassment?

Written by: Pang Chi Wah, Registered Educational Psychologist, New Horizons Development Centre

It is quite common for young children to become “shy kids” when they encounter strangers or find themselves in unfamiliar environments. How can parents help them break through this barrier and avoid hiding behind them every time they meet new friends?

Are Children Afraid of Strangers or Anyone?

In fact, shyness is a common experience for young children. They may not understand the motives or intentions of others, or they might feel scared in new environments. This is a normal reaction. Shyness is an inner psychological state, and parents should analyze their child’s reactions to different people to determine whether they are afraid of strangers or even shy around familiar faces.

If a child feels shy due to the unusual appearance or attire of strangers, or if they are in an unfamiliar environment with poor lighting or enclosed spaces, it is important to note that adults can also exhibit similar behaviors. Feeling shy or panicked in unfamiliar places or crowds is a normal reaction.

Gradual Exposure to Adapt to Environments and People

There are both extroverted and introverted children, as these are personality traits. Parents need to accept their child’s personality while also nurturing them to break through their limits. If a child remains shy for an extended period, it can hinder their exploration of the world, limit opportunities to enhance cognitive abilities, and reduce chances for social interaction and engagement in new learning experiences.

Parents should help their children gradually adapt to social interactions, moving from familiar to unfamiliar. Start with family members, then relatives, neighbors, friends, acquaintances, and finally strangers, slowly expanding the child’s social circle. Additionally, some children may not be afraid of facing others but may feel uncomfortable in certain unfamiliar environments. Parents should regularly take their children to different new places to expose them to new experiences, helping them learn to remain calm and increasing their social comfort zones. However, parents should not rush this process.

Developmental Issues Can Also Cause Shyness

Moreover, parents should be aware of potential developmental issues that might lead them to mistakenly perceive their child as shy, or that may actually be the root cause of their shyness. For instance, if a child has hearing development issues, their ability to respond to and receive sounds will naturally be poorer than that of a normally developing child. Similarly, if a child is nearsighted or farsighted, their inability to see clearly can lead to feelings of shyness. If parents do not recognize that this shyness stems from vision problems, they may mistakenly believe the child is simply more reserved, overlooking the real issue.

Additionally, issues such as sensory integration dysfunction, social barriers, and poor coordination between different sensory channels can also lead to similar behaviors in children. If parents are unable to identify the underlying problems, they should seek assistance from professionals to diagnose the root causes and address them promptly, greatly reducing the impact on the child.

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Fostering Home-school Co-operation and Communication

School Class Teachers are More Important Than You Might Think

School Class Teachers are More Important Than You Might Think

Written by : Doctor Hui Lung Kit

Child Psychiatry’s primary concern is to determine whether a child’s behavior is normal or abnormal, and whether it is normal or abnormal should be judged according to the rules of Child Developmental Psychology. But in reality, do parents have to get a bunch of books on child development and look at the textbooks to observe their children? This is a time-consuming and costly process. One of the simpler ways is to ask your child’s class teacher.

Have you ever heard of children moving up a grade every year, like going from Grade 1 to Grade 2, Grade 3 to Grade 4? But have you ever heard of teachers moving up a grade? Generally speaking, many teachers spend months and years teaching students at the same grade level. More experienced teachers may even spend over ten years teaching children of the same age. As a result, they may have interacted with hundreds of students of the same age over time.

Developmental assessments for children place significant emphasis on comparing them with their peers of the same age. By using a large sample size of data and employing statistical methods, a reference definition of normal and abnormal can be established. An experienced teacher, with ample teaching experience, already encompasses a substantial sample size within her own teaching practice. Based on this, she can determine what is considered normal and abnormal.

For example, let’s say in September this year, a class teacher is faced with a new class of 30 students in Grade 1. When assessing each individual student, the teacher unconsciously compares the current students with the same-age students they have taught in the past. If, through this comparison, the teacher senses something “off” or “peculiar” about a student, this feeling actually holds statistical significance! However, teachers themselves may not be aware of it.

Many parents have a significant lack of trust in schools and teachers. I have also observed some common blind spots in the evaluation process of schools and teachers (such as generally having more lenient behavioral standards for academically successful students). However, it is important to remember that parents only interact with their own 1 or 2 children on a daily basis, while schools and teachers deal with hundreds of students. When determining whether a child’s emotions and behaviors are normal or abnormal, the opinions of schools and teachers undoubtedly hold valuable reference points.

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Promotion of Parents’ Physical and Psychological Well-being Promotion of Parents’ Physical and Psychological Well-being

Marital Conflicts: Suffering the Children

Marital Conflicts: Suffering the Children

Written by: Marriage and Family Therapist, Child Play Therapist, Lee Wai Zi

The arrival of a child often brings significant changes to a family. Many times, parents become so busy taking care of and educating their children that they inadvertently neglect the quality of their marital life. Over time, their relationship may become reduced to a series of responsibilities and pressures. I once heard a friend say that every day after work, he would mechanically check his children’s homework and supervise their studying, while his wife took care of their meals and routines. By the time they could finally rest, it was often late at night, and even if they had some energy left to talk, their conversations revolved solely around their children’s academic performance. Sometimes, they didn’t even have enough time to rest themselves, let alone care for or respond to each other’s needs.

In my counseling experience, I have encountered many couples facing difficulties in their marriage, and they all agree that their relationship began to suffer after the birth of their child. Most people would think this is due to differing expectations and educational methods regarding their children, or an unequal distribution of roles and responsibilities in parenting, leading to conflicts.

However, the vast majority of couples express that they do not necessarily need their partner to agree with their thoughts or actions. The crux of the issue lies in the fact that when they confront parenting and various life pressures, they often feel a lack of recognition, support, and acceptance from their spouse, leading both parties to feel isolated and helpless. This gradually undermines the trust and emotional connection between them.

It is perfectly normal for couples to have different educational philosophies and methods. Yet, during the parenting process, parents often resort to ineffective and destructive methods to handle their differences, unintentionally creating a negative cycle of interaction. For example, a wife might complain about their child’s disobedience in front of her husband, or express dissatisfaction that he is not helping with household chores and parenting responsibilities. The wife’s intention in expressing her frustrations is to make her husband understand her worries and concerns, and to gain his support and comfort.

However, the husband usually only perceives his wife’s complaints and criticisms. To protect himself from emotional harm, he may remain silent or repeatedly explain and defend himself, hoping for his wife’s understanding and acceptance. The more the husband explains, the more the wife feels unvalued and misunderstood, leading her to escalate her accusations. The more she accuses, the more helpless the husband feels, prompting him to avoid the situation and defend himself even more. Both partners become victims within this negative cycle of interaction. If parents do not promptly confront and resolve the deadlock in their relationship, it will not only prolong and exacerbate the issues, but it may ultimately harm their children.

The health of a family and its children is built upon a strong emotional connection between the couple. Therefore, for the sake of themselves and their children, parents should consider spending more time nurturing the love between them. A happy marriage will naturally allow children to grow up healthy and joyful.

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Promotion of Healthy, Happy and Balanced Development of Children

Small Training for Writing Skills

Small Training for Writing Skills

Written by: Child Psychological Development Association, Psychological Counselor, Mr. Ching Wai Keung

“His handwriting is always out of line; it always ‘flies’ all over the place!”

“He can’t even write within the boxes; he usually takes up two boxes for one character!”

“He often skips lines or spaces when writing!”

“It seems like he doesn’t apply enough pressure when he writes; his writing is so faint that it’s almost unreadable!”

These comments reflect the experiences of many children learning to write in K2. When children write, they need to coordinate many abilities, the simplest being the strength and dexterity of their finger muscles (fine motor skills). If there is insufficient training in fine motor skills, children may struggle with writing or holding a pen effectively. So, how can parents address and train this? It’s simple: let them play with playdough, clay, and flour from a young age.

Secondly, visual-spatial awareness and eye control are also important for copying. General ball activities are excellent training options. Tracking a ball visually and then performing an action to catch (or kick) it is a natural and fun form of training. Additionally, games like “spot the difference” (finding the differences between two pictures) and maze games (first finding the way with their eyes and then connecting the dots with a pen) can also benefit eye control.

Hand-eye coordination is, of course, crucial in copying practice! Activities like tossing and catching beanbags, fishing games, pouring exercises, and cutting paper can greatly aid hand-eye coordination.

When should these games start? How long should they be practiced each day? In fact, parents can start playing these games with their children as soon as they understand and are able to play. Moreover, parents should base activities on the child’s willingness; when the child doesn’t want to play, parents should switch to another game instead of insisting on a set duration. My philosophy is that through daily play, children can acquire certain skills to prevent problems, rather than relying on remedial practice. Otherwise, even the best games can become tedious and unenjoyable, leading to more suffering than enjoyment!

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This Life is Also About Progress, But Are You Happy?

This Life is Also About Progress, But Are You Happy?

Written by: Dr. Wong Chung-kwong, Vice Chairman of The Hong Kong Institute of Family Education

“Unsuccessful, therefore unhappy!” This mindset is not difficult to understand. However, in today’s world, why are many successful people still unhappy?

In my clinical work, I often encounter many unhappy individuals. Years ago, a successful and wealthy man in his sixties confided in me. He shared that after years of hard work in his career, accumulating wealth, he felt lonely and unhappy. I asked him, “What have you been pursuing all your life?” Without hesitation, he answered, “My career.” I continued, “What have you gained in your career but lost in the process?” He pondered for a while and then admitted that his relationship with his wife and children was very distant.

There are two things in life that are quite similar, and not understanding the difference between them is often a significant reason for unhappiness. These two things are “needs” and “wants.” To be happy, we “need” emotional fulfillment, which includes good family relationships and friendships. However, many people, in their pursuit of what they “want”—careers and wealth—neglect their families and undervalue friendships. Even though they achieve the careers and wealth they desire, their emotional “needs” remain unmet, leading to loneliness and unhappiness. If you feel unhappy, take a moment to pause and reflect on what you have been pursuing in life.

“I had everything in my childhood, but I lacked… “Have you ever considered that there is a child inside you?

Throughout life, we search for many things, one of which is to find the child within ourselves. Look at these photos; which one resembles the child within you?

This is also a true story from years ago. A middle-aged woman confided in me: “I grew up in a wealthy family, lacking for nothing materially. However, my mother was an unhappy person; she was often at home but rarely spent time with me. My father worked long hours, and I seldom saw him. We had everything at home, but it felt like I had no parents!”

This woman worked diligently in her studies and excelled academically. As an adult, she achieved great success in her career, and her husband treated her well, yet she still felt profoundly unhappy.

Children who lack parental love often feel anxious, lonely, and unhappy. Although they may achieve success and have a happy family in adulthood, the feelings of anxiety, loneliness, and unhappiness linger. Why is this? Simply put, they seem to exist in two worlds simultaneously: in the “real world,” they are successful and happy adults; but in their “inner world,” they live with an anxious, lonely, and unhappy child.

If you are an unhappy person, please take a moment to pause and reflect. Seek out the child within your heart and see whether he or she is a happy or an unhappy child.

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Understanding of Child Development

Training Children’s EQ with Delayed Gratification?

Training Children's EQ with Delayed Gratification?

Written by: Pang Chi Wah, Registered Educational Psychologist, New Horizons Development Centre

Hong Kong is a materially affluent society, but due to the abundance of resources, when children have needs in their lives, parents quickly fulfill those needs, providing them with continuous satisfaction. However, when parents satisfy their children’s needs too quickly, it can have negative effects, failing to train their ability to endure. Over time, their patience may become limited.

Using Everyday Emotions to Cultivate Patience in Children

Delaying gratification or the fulfillment of life’s needs is an important aspect of developing emotional intelligence (EQ). If parents are accustomed to quickly meeting their children’s needs but then complain about their lack of patience, such comments are unfair to the children, as their patience simply hasn’t been cultivated.

How can we teach children to delay their needs? To train children’s emotional intelligence, the key is to “not use harsh measures or rewards.” This means avoiding both physical punishment and frequent rewards, but rather honing their patience and ability to wait through everyday experiences and challenges. Parents can try the following examples:

Example 1: When parents take their children to a dim sum restaurant, they shouldn’t immediately order whatever the children like. Instead, parents can ask the children to finish one basket of dim sum before waiting an additional five minutes before having another type. Alternatively, children can be asked to wait until the parents have eaten part of a basket before they can eat.

Example 2: When children ask their parents to buy toys, parents do not need to buy them immediately. They can explain that the purchase will be made after a few hours, days, or a week, encouraging the children to wait patiently.

Example 3: When children return home from outside, parents should not allow them to turn on the TV immediately. They must first put away their shoes and socks, drink a glass of water, and wait on the sofa for three minutes before they can turn on the TV.

Example 4: When children are out with their parents, they shouldn’t rush to press the elevator button. Parents can ask them to wait until they can go out together and walk to the elevator before pressing the button.

Parents Must Be Consistent and Trustworthy

The above examples are just a few ways to incorporate delayed gratification into everyday life. Using these techniques is not about denying or rejecting your child’s needs but simply delaying satisfaction.It is essential for parents to stick to their principles and remain consistent. No matter how much your child whines, throws tantrums, cries, or shouts, you must hold firm to the “delayed gratification” principle. Additionally, parents must also be trustworthy—if you promise your child something, you must follow through.

When children make requests, it’s also a good idea to ask them to explain their reasons. This not only trains their emotional intelligence (EQ) but also develops their intellectual intelligence (IQ). By paying attention to these small moments in your child’s daily life, you can effectively help them build emotional intelligence. Why not give it a try?

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Promotion of Healthy, Happy and Balanced Development of Children Promotion of Healthy, Happy and Balanced Development of Children

Play With Toys to Help Young Children Develop, Don’t Just Rely on Technology Products

Written by: Certified Educational Psychologist Pang Chi Wah, New Horizons Development Centre

Written by: Certified Educational Psychologist Pang Chi Wah, New Horizons Development Centre

As the 21st century has entered the generation of electronic media, many parents are not used to buying newspapers, but have also become accustomed to communicating with people online, shopping, reading newspapers and playing games etc. Some parents have also started to buy fewer toys for their children because many games can be played online anytime and anywhere, which is convenient and economical, and the items are diversified and easy to carry.

In fact, the use of computers is becoming more and more popular, from the business world to the education world and everyone’s daily life. Some parents feel that they need to teach their children to use computers as soon as possible so that they can be one step ahead of others and become smarter. But this argument ignores the fact that no matter how diversified and comprehensive the use of electronic media is, everyone needs to live in the real world and deal with their daily lives in a real way.

In recent years, more and more children are being diagnosed with sensory integration dysfunction, some of which are genetic in origin, but some of which are caused by a lack of proper stimulation in later life. Regardless of the cause, society is increasingly demanding more and more of human sensory integration, but unfortunately, as young children grow up, their bodies are less likely to be switched to different space direction due to advanced technology, and their eyes and hands are left to complete tasks on their behalf without much coordination. They will need to face many challenges in the future, but if they are not sufficiently trained during their growth, they will easily encounter many obstacles in the future.

Playing with toys is a natural part of a child’s life, and if they have virtual toys or games, they may lack real personal sensory stimulation. During the infant and toddler years, parents need to provide them with sensory stimulation of the ears, eyes, hands, feet, body, and brain so that they can develop the coordination exercises they need. There are many toys available in the market according to their age, and the categories are very clear, such as 6 months play, one year play, two years play …… you name it. As long as parents are willing to buy, it is not difficult to find the right toys, such as hand-eye coordination, ear-hand interaction and ear-eye sensory integration.

In addition, parents may want their children to grow up to be teachers, police officers, lawyers, doctors, engineers, or bosses, so they can directly and specifically play the roles, manipulate the tools needed, apply appropriate language, and interact with people in a realistic way through toys. Parents are advised to buy such toys related to vocational skills to induce them to play in these roles, as opposed to just looking at a computer screen to fully grasp multi-sensory stimulation.

Although parents may spend a lot of money on toys, and the time spent playing with them may not be very long, it is definitely worth it to ensure that they get the stimulation they deserve. For a more environmentally friendly use of these toys, parents can also collect toys in three-month increments and resell them to other parents or give them to friends. Parents should remember to buy the right toys for their children’s development